Friends matter to every child. For a child with ADHD, autism or another difference, making and keeping friends can be hard, and parents often feel at a loss. Parents cannot make friends for their children, but they can smooth the way.
Why friendships can be hard
Social skills do not come naturally to every child. A child may find it hard to start a conversation, read facial expressions and tone, take turns, or manage impulsive behaviour such as interrupting or taking over play. Child Mind Institute notes that impulsive and hyperactive children can act in ways that make it hard to keep friends, and that social scripts are especially helpful for autistic children who need to learn social skills deliberately.
What parents can do
- Coach at home. Name the skills clearly, such as sharing, taking turns, joining a game and listening, and practise them in everyday life.
- Role-play. Act out situations that come up, such as asking to join a game or handling being told no, and swap roles so that your child plays the friend.
- Use social scripts and stories. A few simple lines or a short story can prepare a child for a new situation.
- Arrange short, structured playdates. Start with one child, one activity and a short time. Choose a game or craft that your child enjoys, and plan the first few minutes.
- Review social cues beforehand, and debrief afterwards. Talk about what went well, and gently about what you might try next time.
- Choose playmates carefully. A friend with shared interests and a gentle temperament is often a better match than the most popular child.
- Start with parallel play. Children playing side by side, for example drawing or building, is a good first step before more interactive play.
- Stay close but quiet. Pay attention during playdates, and step in kindly if things go wrong, without embarrassing your child.
- Do not place your own social expectations on your child. Some children are happy with one or two close friends.
If your child plays alone
Watch to work out why. Does your child not know how to join in, find noise or crowds too much, or get upset when things do not go their way? The answer tells you what to practise, or what to change. Raising Children Network suggests also helping children understand why people make friends, and how friends treat each other.
For teachers
- Plan structured games and activities for break time, and let children choose a quiet option.
- Use a buddy or circle of friends, and teach all children how to include everyone.
- Teach social skills to the whole class, so that no one is singled out.
- Notice and praise good social moments, and share them with parents.
- Add a social goal to the IEP. See how to write measurable IEP goals for a social example.
- Keep an eye out for teasing or exclusion. See bullying and children with additional needs.
Online friendships
Older children will often make friends and meet problems online. Talk about what they are doing, and use posts and messages as a starting point for conversations about the social skills they might practise, and about safety.
Sources
- Child Mind Institute, Kids who need a little help to make friends.
- Raising Children Network, Friendships for children and pre-teens with ADHD.
- CHADD, Help your child make and keep friends.
- ADDitude, Making friends: how parents can help.
This guide is general information, not legal, medical or professional advice. If something here does not match your situation, please speak to a qualified professional.