Many parents are unsure how much to tell their child about a diagnosis, or whether to say anything at all. Children usually know that something is different, and often worry in silence. Open, kind conversations help. This guide draws on advice from Understood and the Children’s Health Council.
Start with your own feelings
The Children’s Health Council advises parents to understand their own feelings about having a child with learning differences before they talk to the child, and to accept the child’s strengths and weaknesses. If a learning difference is treated as a normal fact of family life, a child is more likely to accept it. You do not have to feel calm before you begin, but it helps to have taken some time to think about it.
Three words to keep in mind
The Children’s Health Council suggests keeping three words in mind with a child of any age: attitude, honesty and support. How much you say depends on your child’s age and maturity. Older children often appreciate knowing more, including the specific terms for their difficulties.
What to say
- Talk about thinking differently, not about being “stupid”. Understood notes that children who learn differently often worry that they are stupid. Explain that their brain works in a different way, and that this has nothing to do with how clever they are.
- Say that everyone has strengths and challenges. Be specific and sincere about your child’s strengths. What a child enjoys and does well says as much about them as their difficulties.
- Be honest about the hard parts, and about what will help: extra support, different ways of working, and the people who will help.
- Make it safe to talk. Understood suggests saying things like “I’m glad you asked that question”, and reminding your child that it is OK to talk about what is scary and that you are there to listen.
- Be ready for the word “disability”. If your child is curious about it, it is OK to talk about it. Understood describes a disability as a difference.
Keep talking
Understood advises talking about learning and thinking differences many times as a child grows, not just once. A first conversation might be short and simple. Later conversations can add more as your child asks questions and matures. It also helps your child to hear you talk about things you have found hard.
Get help if you want it
The Children’s Health Council notes that your child’s clinician can talk to your child about the diagnosis, with your agreement. You can ask the psychologist or therapist who assessed your child how they would explain it, and what words suit your child’s age. See how to read your child’s assessment report.
If your child is upset
It is natural for a child to feel sad, angry or worried at first. Listen, say that the feelings make sense, and stay close. If the distress lasts, or your child says they want to hurt themselves, get help: see confidence and emotions, which includes the national helpline.
Sources
- Understood, How to talk to your child about learning and thinking differences.
- Children’s Health Council, Talking to your child about learning differences.
This guide is general information, not legal, medical or professional advice. If something here does not match your situation, please speak to a qualified professional.